I hope that if you are here, struggling through the same grief of a self lost, that I can help you find what was always there, so you can resonate within again.

I was born with an uncomfortable awareness of life and who I was as a person. 

When I was a little girl I could feel the immense value of the lady bug tickling my skin. I knew the peace that nature brought. I spoke out against unjust behavior. And worst of all to others, I analyzed situations and noticed when things were not run in a cohesive, productive way. 

Girls shouldn’t be bossy. A young lady spends her time inside preparing the home, not outside. Don’t be a spoiled brat. YOU are wrong.

That innate awareness of myself was shut down. Piece by piece my culture, predominantly driven by orthodox Christian Mormons, stole my connection to my soul and to what most people would call God (I certainly don’t call it that anymore, but I think we are all talking about the same thing here  XD).

I fought my inner wisdom the rest of my life. I knew I wasn’t good with kids, but I was born to be a mother so I had to. I knew I didn’t meet the requirements of a traditional house wife, but I burnt enough cookies to prove I forced my way through it. I yearned for a profession that provided a sense of meaning, but instead I sat uncomfortably with the other women talking about our children.

I checked every god damn box that was thrown at me and I hated every second of it. Depression and anxiety ruled my life since I couldn’t. I finally checked myself into a mental health facility hoping for help, and all they did was lock me in a padded cell for 72 hours. The therapist even encouraged me not to talk to her since I clearly had some sort of PTSD. Cool…

And as I sat in that hospital room with the velcro door holding a Dr. Suess-styled spork so I couldn’t hurt myself or my roommate I snapped back into myself.

What the fuck was I doing here? I knew, and always had known, what would make my life feel like it had meaning and purpose. I gave my power away every day to people who cared nothing for me but that I stayed in the box they placed before me. So I vowed to choose myself from that SECOND forward. 

I had thought that meant that I would have to give up my family and go whoring myself off - because that is what the church told me happened to women who chose themselves- but really it just meant showing up as myself with my family and friends.

But how did I do that when I had sold parts of myself to every Peter-Priesthood and Molly-Mormon who had given me a questioning look?

Through a shit ton of trial and error, self help books galore, and an intense drive for self sovereignty that had been denied me since birth.